There was recently a question on the ‘Antique Typewriter Collectors’ facebook page asking how to pronounce the machine brand known as ‘Hermes.’ I responded with the UK English pronunciation of the Greek God’s name, but I realise this was rather narrow of me and not in keeping with the international flavour of the Typosphere. I move, therefore, that between collectors there should be a standard pronunciation, and what better way to arrive at one than by using a dead language. Please note this does not give Modern Greek speakers as much of an unfair advantage as you might think as the modern has a very different sound to the ancient language in the reconstructed pronunciation. So, here goes…

Hermes, the Ancient Greek messenger god, was originality written Ἑρμῆς. Let’s go letter by letter. First the epsilon. This should be pronounced ‘e’ as in ‘pet’ although you should draw your mouth out a little to the sides like a letter box. HANG ON A MINUTE, WHERE’S THE ‘H?’ DON’T TELL ME THE FRENCH WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG! Don’t worry, of course they’re not. Just before the epsilon you may have noticed a little apostrophe thing. This was not a typo, it is a ‘rough breathing’ or aspiration mark. ASPERATE! Is what Dalek Grammarians shout at their mutant students. That’s your ‘H’, pretty much like in English, although you could be fussy and try and do it more like the Scottish ‘ch’ sound as in ‘loch’ or ‘och aye the noo!’

Well, we’ve had a whole paragraph and learned how to say ‘heh’. The next letter (ρ) is a rho and is pronounced like a cross between an r and a d in English. One online guide compares it to how an American would pronounce the double ‘t’ in ‘butter,’ which to UK speakers sounds like ‘budder’. Why anyone would want beer to be more like Budwiser is a mystery to me, it’s like having sex in a canoe. Work it out.

The μ or Mu (the name of this letter is not pronounced like moo-cow, but ‘me’ as in ‘me, a name I call myself’ – oh la vache!) is quite simply an anglophone m as in ‘my what a long article you seem to be writing about a single word, I though this was the sort of horseshit you were trying to avoid when you decided not to become an academic.’

The η or Eta was probably pronounced ‘e’ as in ‘winner’. Watch out for Modern Greek speakers, they pronounce it ‘ee’ which for our purposes is wrong! So what about that wiggly bit over the top? In the word it’s written ῆ. That circumflex indicates a falling accent. WHAT? This bit is tricky to explain, linguists talk all kinds of goo, but it’s like music, the note of the second syllable is lower than the first. Sort of like a bell doing ‘ding-dong’, although a typewriter bell would never do this. Well, it shouldn’t anyway.

So in the end we have ς or sigma (to be more accurate in the end we have omega, as in I am the alpha and omega, in the beginning was the word and the bird was the word, but here I’m talking about Hermes who was a somewhat lesser god – God’s FedEx or God’s Trashman – bird bird bird bird bird bird) The sigma sounds like a normal ‘s’ as in Mississippi, although to be hyper accurate you need to aim for a kind of half ‘s’ half ‘sh’ sound. Say ‘s’, say ‘sh’ pay attention to where you put your tongue (a good life rule generally) and aim for the half way spot.

This then is the big reveal, the New International Pronunciation of the manufacturer named “Hermes” hand crafted by a deranged ex-classicist for the Glory of the Typosphere:

hɛ:rməs

That’s it written in international pronunciation alphabet, or as close as I could come to the sound using it. I reckon if you’re doing it right it sounds like the standard UK English pronunciation with a slight Spanish accent. The recap is simple: h as in ham but with a little catch in the throat, ‘e’ as in bed with widened mouth shape, ‘r’ as in read but shortened kind of like ‘tt’ as in American ‘butter’, m as in mother-of-god-why-am-I-writing-this, ‘e’ as in ‘looser’ which I no doubt am and ‘s’ as in ‘so long, and thanks for all the fish!’

p.s. I own an AZERTY Oliver 10. I move that from now on all French Olivers must be referred to as Oliviers.