I am currently embarked on a  journey to Paris where I hope to work in the English language bookshop Shakespeare and Company. Although there are perfectly good flights that would get me there in no time at all, I have decided to travel through the UK visiting old friends who have since moved away. The following is an assortment of excerpts from my travel journal.

Later, on the boat.

Rather negating the savings of Megabus by buying stuff on the boat – have just finnished off an indifferent fish and chips and a pint. Still, I reckon some heavy food and a couple of pints will see me alright on the bus into Paris. I have ticket number 13 and it is rather blowy out – boats have been delayed, in fact this boat was so delayed that for us it was early…

…a jarring crack on the side of this old tub. Iceberg in the channel? Collision with other, much smaller boat? James Robinson?

1st Nov 2012

I arrived in Paris in pitch black and walked in past the Arc de Triomphe, down the Champs Elysees and along the Seine. I got lost and asked for directions in very poor French before finaly tracking down Shakespeare and Company. A sign on the door read:

Public Holiday

Shakespeare and Company will be closed on Thursday 1st November

…une chambre pour le gendarme? Il es fatigue! Oui, tres fatigue… (I still have no idea why they thought I was the police. Must have misheard…)

Later, in the hotel

I succesfuly located l’Hotel de l’Espérance (de Scotch Whisky? Non!) on the rue Pascal. I was knackered, sore feet, sore back, and felt I deserved the luxury of my own room and bath for my first night in Paris. I imediately jumped in the bath and switched on the shower (the French all shower sitting down because they’re too lazy to stand up for it.) Clean, shaved, and in fresh clothes, I fell asleep on the bed until twelve.

On waking I decided I had to act in some way – had to carpe diem and not just doss in the hotel until the next day. I rubbed some dubbin into my green boots and set out on the streets of Paris.

The first thing I did was to hit up an internet cafe I’d clocked earlier…

I then decided I should visit the Eifell Tower. I embarked upon one of the most thrilling tales of espionage and daring to ever come out of Paris.

Tom’s Guide to Finding the Eiffel Tower

It is a landmark synonymous with Paris, and being a massive steel tower you would think it easy to find, but I must warn you, my readers, that it is tricky, capriciouse, and a master of disguise. In short it is to my knowledge the only highly evasive sentient monument in the world.

If you walk by the Seine you might catch a glimps of it, tantalising behind what you reason could only be one line of buildings. You turn a corner and – the fucker’s nowhere to be seen! Its hiding behind a lampost smoking a Gaulois, or has donned a fake moustache and is pretending to be the propriotor of a tourist resteraunt (you can tell the tourist resteraunts by the fact they’re twice as expensive as all the others and only serve spagetti bollognaise. The real Parisians all eat at McDonalds, but they do it at 7.30am so the tourists don’t see.)

The Eiffel Tower has to be stalked. The minute you see it on the skyline, ignore it. Don’t let it know you’ve seen it, perhaps you could pretend to look at one of those three wheeled scooters only the French would have the audacity to ride. Look around at all the other sights as though you have no interest in the Eiffel Tower whatsoever. You might want to try voicing your lack of interest. If you do, do it in bad American French:

“Ju naymey pah lays Eefful Toor”

It is especially important to fuck up the grammer as this will goad the tower into making a mistake. Above all else, never trust the musée du quai Branly. I swear the fuckers are in leauge with each other. Then, when you’re certain it is right behind you and you haven’t been observed, swivel round on your heel as fast as you can and you’ll have caught it, stood still and trying to act nonchelant, but in reality ashamed and outwitted.

More instalments at irregular intervals soon, later, or not at all.